Aladdin Central Messageboard

[Lateralus]

this is my first attempt to write a fanfiction. but the ideas were in my head since i was first seeing the movie.

please can some peoples here tell me what they do not like to read in the fanfictions. apart from the bad inglish.

i started it about 4 years ago. its in 5 parts and i am starting part 4. so far it is about 800 pages long. but it is very silly and i need help to fix it.
i also tried to write in perfect inglish.

there are many many crossovers (not with disney character, but with others) and i have created teh main character.
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please be minding my poor english thankyou.

[Brighteyes]

This thread may be of some help to you: http://www.aladdincentral.org/forums/viewtopic.php?t=2340

[Lateralus]

[Brighteyes]

I would be interested in your story, but to be honest, the whole "Aladdin and Jasmine not being together" thing would be a big turnoff. Sorry.
And while I don't particularly mind violence, excessively detailed violence makes me cringe (er, I'm not sure exactly how violent your fic will be, but I"m just sayin').

Crossovers... I generally only read ones I'm familiar with, and I'm only familiar with the canons that you've mentioned fro, hearing others talk about them. That's it. I don’t mind crossovers as long as they're well-done and plausible. Like, Sailor Moon shouldn't be crossed over with Aladdin unless there's a very good reason, like a villain uses their magic or tech to send Moon and co. back to Agrabah, or if the characters are being treated as living in a cartoon universe (IE: the whole Roger Rabbit thing). A crossover with something like Hercules would also be plausible (they did it in canon, and it was the first thing that sprang into my mind ), since you could say they occur around in the same time frame. IMHO.

I don't mind OCs either, but I cannot stand Mary Sues and author’s darlings. Basically, the first are chars who get away with everything, have no weaknesses, and warp canon to fit around themselves. AD's are just chars that the author think are so cute, and they get everything without a struggle, etc.

[Lateralus]

please do not laugh.

i hope you have the patients to read all of this. i tried to get the english right. if there is anything that you are finding ambiguous then pleae let me know i will explain. im sure i left out some parts and cant remember.

There are planed 5 parts in this “epic” you will also find (I forgot to mention earlier) that there are many many musical references in this story. I was from a very young age, very disappointed with the songs used in the Disney movies and many other kiddies movies. So when I first started dreaming up this story, I always made my own sound track. Most of it consists of heavy metal music. Particularly metallica and the like.
Also the whole thing is written is script style. (direct speech is easier this way and I don’t have to be messing with punctuation all the time) like this

Jasmine – Father, stop it! That’s a disgusting habit!

Sultan – Oh Dearest, I only have it on the rarest of occasions.

- excerpt where jasmine complains about her fathers smoking.

Its done like this because it started off being done in story board style. There are some drawings and maps present. Some character sketches as well (this is what started it all) but I have taken a lot of time to describe surroundings and rooms etc.

Main story title is The Leper Messiah (this is a metallica song, its not my favourite song, but its has a nice name)

Part one – The Emerald (the title is still in working progress, but the story is complete, I feel the title is very silly, but I cant really think of anything else.)

Part two – within a steel soul (the idea for the name from the game beneath a steel sky, I haven’t played the game, so I don’t know if there are any similarities here, but I doubt it.)

Part three – The Lateralus prophecy (once again a musical reference this is a song and ambum from Tool, but once again, the band make no appearance or bears no relevance.)

Part four – The Chronos (still working on this one, I don’t like the current name. its too gimmicky.)

Part five - ?? … I have several ideas, one is “The Entity”, the other is “The return of the old ones”, I like “The rise of Cthulhu” but it too much like something starwars would use.


The emerald:
Before the actual synopsis, here are some notes.
Starts off showing Aladdin and jasmines relationship souring. Basically because of aladdins past as a street rat, his palace life has made him take very much advantage of his luxurious surroundings. Overindulgence is the word for him. He is depectied as an occasional drinker, and more importantly, someone who takes the princess very forgranted. (you can see from this, as a kid, ive never really liked Aladdin. I always preferred jasmine). Two things that should be mentioned, about genie. He is not in the first installment. I was worried about how I was going to write him. It seemed too hard to write that kind of comedy. But I realized that I will need him later, so he comes back in the second installment onwards. The reason for his absnence is that he is away on vacation with eden. Another thing ive added. (I don’t know if this is true or not. But its probably not) is that now that genie is free, his powers are slowly diminishing. They will diminish to the point where he will become a human and a mortal. But that is not in this story.
Abismal has some very very minor parts. He is no longer an antagonist, and is one of aladdins drinking buddies. (don’t worry, there is only two references to Aladdin drinking in the whole thing. He only actually drinks in on of those instances, and the other one is a comic relief scene when he wants to drink but is stopped by jasmine) there is also an explaination of how abizmal is not imprisoned. Faroud ends up taking the blame for all the exploits and abysmal is considered too incompetent to orchestrate acts of treason or terrorism. But his role is extremely minor and he is only there because he is a farmiliar face that fits the description of the type of character I needed.
It may seem to you here that Aladdin is depicted in a poor fashion here, but I realized later on that he needs to show some sort of maturity development. So I didn’t bash Aladdin all the way. Rasouls character is a little older now, and has been promoted to the highest military ranking office. He has taken Aladdin under his wing and is mentoring him in that field. with much objection from jasmine of course. However, rasoul has been promoted too early, and is secretly insecure that he has not the experience and the expertise for his tasks.

Continuing with the synopsis. After learning about the souring of the relationship, it is shown how jasmine character is still trapped. Now that she will soon marry, her duties are to be focused on abrabha. She is very frustrated and essentially drives every one of her tutors to insanity. All of them are from abrabha. (reason is given for this as well, it’s a trust and security thing. Explained by the sultan.) the sultan is quite distressed about this. As it turns out very similar to how jasmine treated all her suitors. (but theres no exact parody here. We never get to see any of these tutors.)
Anyway, soon after, a visitor comes to agrabha with news of a possible invasion. The invasion is from mosenwrath, and there is a very big element of surprise involved.
Much reference is made to the maps I spoke about earlier. I have made one assumption that mozenwraths lair has a physical geographic location on earth and relatively near to agrabha. (i.e. they do not have to cross some plane into another realm to get to mozenwraths lair).
Basically this is done because the invasion is coming from the opposite end of the kingdom. (sounds silly eh? But ive tried to explain it)
The terrain on the opposite side does not favor any military operation (cliffs and mountains) and more importantly, they cant see anything (scouts are frequently sent to investigate, but nothing comes up). Because of this and other reasonings that I have made, there is much disbelief that there is any invasion and there is suspicions that the newcomer is a spy or an assassin. There a long conversation in the sultans court. Its very much like the one in “HERO” with jet li as nameless and the emporer. (no, I am not chinese... also i dont consider this as a crossover, because its a just a relation of a story unchanged) the conversation (or interrogation rather) is the introduction to the new character I don’t want to give too much away about this character. But I evidently will so there will be some spoilers. He appears human (theres one) at first tall, athletic, well spoken, but a terrible scar that covers most of his face. He is also always fully clothed. (never shortsleeves, never exposing anything other than from the neck up except for his hands)
But the scars were not from some accident, they were very concentrated. It seemed like they were almost in a pattern. We basically learn that someone had carved out a tattoo that spanned most of his face. After claiming the invasion. Revealing his sources and truing to justify his warnings. He describes himself as being a traveller, and that he hails from zhao country. (one of the six kingdoms in china before the unification) I have no idea whether the time lines are correct here but you will see later that its better if they aren’t. that doesn’t matter. Because he traveled from there westwards, and studied at various instituitions like the shaolin temple and studied under wong fei hung. Once again, im sure that these have not shared the same timeline. But it will work out better for my story if they don’t. so the palace’s first impression of this man is just an ugly strange loner type traveler. The man is not a leper. But he is constantly referred to as one my many of the palace residents due to his ghastly appearance. I did not want to turn this into a hunchback of notredame style emo matyr character. Despite his appearance, he is very confident and also very quick witted and dexterous. He is highly trained in martial arts, and there are many action sequences which display his skills.
But he also reveals that he is aware that the princess is searching for a new tutor. And that he may be able to assist, since he clams to be skilled in the mathematics, sciences and in history and philosophy and that his travels alone would provide excellent material for lessons. After much interrogation and investigation, this is permitted by the sultan, but only after a trial period. But the newcomer is still escorted by guards on high alert wherever he goes and must remain in limbo as if the investigation into the invasion shows that he was lying, then he will be executed. jasmine still retains other tutors for other areas in her education, but is intrigued by this man and insists on having him stay for a trial period. His first lesson relates the story of nameless. (much like the movie nameless). And he gives her a task at the end making her write an argumentative essay on something or the other relating her palace duties and future duties to what she learned from the story.

However, not everyone has taken so well to this newcomer. Aladdin does not like that another man is spending this much time with jasmine, and does not like his appearance as it makes him cringe. Rasoul does not like him because it will be a complete embarrassment if there is an invasion happening right under their noses and he didn’t see it coming. Being closer now, Aladdin and rasoul plot agains the new comer. And it involves another character.
Arshad an ex military man. Now retired and outside the palace. The leader of a group of nomads and vagabonds, many of them banished from agrabha. They live of the desert and pillage any other moving parties or nomads. They are considerably large and very much like a militia. Arshad was rasouls senior and predecessor for his current post.
Rasoul falsifies proof that there is no invasion, and at jasmines request, and rasouls suggestion, instead of excecution, the newcomer is forced to reliable evidence himself or leave and never return. If he does return with little, none, or insubstantial evidence, he will be excecuted. What jasimine and the sultan and everybody else for that matter does not know, rasoul is organizing for the newcomer to be intercepted by the rebellion militia and to be exterminated. His military escorts are to be expendable soldiers. However, this plan back fires, as upon their meeting, rasoul finds that arshad has been enlisted by mozenwrath to eliminate any possible threats that may arise. Rasouls plan to use arshad to take on mozenwrath therefore fall short and he is in panic mode. Arshad however agrees to take out the newcomer because it is part of his job description. But his allegiances are with moz and he will not aid the palace.

From the beginning to here we learn very little about this new character. Except that he has no family, he is from the far east (causing more controversy because he does not look chinese) and that the scar on his face was a sad case of mistaken identity. There are also glimpses of mozenwraths court and his reasons for invasion. A very long story but its maily because he wants the land and the flesh in it. Basically he wants to expand. But he also has designs on jasmine. I remember reading that many people didn’t like this, but there is not meeting or conversing between jasmine and moz, so its not that highlighted.
During the course of the story progression we also learn how mozenwrath is gathering such a large army and what exactly he plans to do. (invasion UNDER their noses is very much a literal statement). Surprisingly he is not given many appearances and only comes out in the final battle. What I did incorrectly about this is that I couldn’t remember whether there were one or two of the flying eels. There was only one, but I remembered two. And I couldn’t remember the names, and I didn’t think to check online, and when I did it was too late. So there are two eels. Flotsam and Jetsam. They however are not major characters. I also didn’t remember what hand his glove was on, and I also state that the source of his magic lies in this glove thing. And that if he loses the glove he loses his powers. I don’t know how correct this is but I used it anyway. As I was saying, both the negative groups, arshaad, and mozenwrath are the only ones who seem to know more about this newcomer. All mozenwrath can find out is that he belongs to a cult that claims to be highly eveloved compared to the rest of the humans. Any other information is considered as classified by all his sources. But its done in such a way that they know who and what he is but they just aren’t letting the audience know.
Aarshad as well mentions that the newcomer is wanted in several kingdoms and that there is a huge price on his head. he also makes reference to the fact that the newcomer is much much older than he really is and also knows his real name. (uses a false one at the palace, actually his real name spelled backwards.). but it doesn’t really matters becausae the palace is completely oblivious to this. What is important is that through the course of the story, we see the character being able to do more and more extrodinary things. First is mind control. He uses it on rajah at their first meeting. And then later on jasmine when he returns from the trial. (where she learns of a lot of violent acts committed by rahul against the militia and she is very unhappy about this). The next one is telekinesis. Which I uses later on in the story to fight against mozenwrath. And also when confronted by aarshads militia, he appears to be immune to fire. There is always mention of a clan or cult that he is a member of and that their time is over. There seems to be reference to one specific event, but it is deliberate that everything is so cryptic and that virtually nothing is given away. I want it so that each installment gives a new piece to the puzzle. Even though it may seem obvious form the second part or third, there is a huge twist at the end. I know the evolution thing has been done to death by many others. Like XMEN and now HEROS, which I still have not watched yet. But unlike all the others, mine is different in that there is a common path for evolution. And an evolution equation. i.e. in xmen and heros, it is very strange how one person evolves to be able to fly, one person evolves to be able to be indestructible. In my thing, they all evolve in the same direction. And it appears so far that its more a mental thing than a physical thing.

Anyway, after returning from his trial with substancial evidence. (a nomad enlisted in mozenwrraths army) the palace Is convinced and realizes that its too late for ful preparation. The sultan is very depressed and distraught and does not blame rasoul and boils it down to him being inexperienced. However, the newcomer offers to assist in the battle and preparation begins.

Apart from using his mamlucks, moz first enlists desert scorpion. A skeletal like warrior made out of sand. This is an army consisting of lost souls that are virtually indestructible. However they need a lot of magic to be controlled. This is a reluctant army and all they want is for their souls to be set free from the desert. Moz has promised their freedom if they do his bidding. And hence another excuse for more violence. Basically he uses these guys because physical weapons cannot harm them. A sword will slice through them but they will reform. They can be slowed down by having their heads knoked off but this is hard and they come back together shortly. However, this is also only a distraction (big spolier) as the real armies are underground in catacombe and chambers that span form miles beneath the ground and surround the palace completely.the plan is to eventually sink the kingdom into the ground. So while the battle goes on outside the kingdom, Aladdin and the newcomer venture into these catacoms to find mozenwrath. The rest of it is action based and too specific. There are lots of obstacles in the jouney. One I have stolen from the serious sam games. A Newton tunnel. Basically a tunnel that is cylindrical. And defies the laws of gravity. This will open the door to an otherwise bottomless chamber. Lots of one on one fighting at the end. Aladdin is shoved out of the room so he does not hear the conversations between the newcomer and mozenwrath. He is also plaged by images of jasmine being killed by the eels. ( who have undergone a transformation for final battle)

It ends with moz being defeated and the glove being used to free the lost souls. There is an emerald that comes free from the glove when it dissipated to free the warriors. This emerald has a very big role in the rest of the story. This is why I am not sure if the emerald should be the title. There is not mention of it at all in the story other than right at the end. Its just some thing that falls down and seems very arbitrary.

I didn’t give away everything here. This is more like a summary than a synopsis. But storywise, what do you think of it? I tried to explain anything that seemed strange, in the story. So I didn’t end up with loose ends. The weakest part in my opinion is the tutoring business. I don’t think that a sultan would allow a stranger under high suspicion to tutor his daughter. So it is possible that I may remove it completely, and rework the story. But at that time I also felt the need for him to be a teacher for some reason. I tried very hard to maintain continuity. So noones in two places at the same time. This was diffucult as I was writing over long periods of time. Squeezing in little bits during weekends and not doing anything at all during exams. And doing lots and having lots of ideas during holidays. And forgetting them during the next exams. There are other weak parts but I think this is the worst.
There is also a reason why he relates the hero story. But it comes in much later.
Let me know if you want the part 2 and 3 as well. Their stories are about finished. Im still doing 4. but more importantly, tell me is I should bother continuing.
So far theres no real crossovers, only borrowing. And there will be more borrowing in the later parts.
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please be minding my poor english thankyou.

[Meesh]

Honestly, I don't enough time to read this all. It's long enough to be the first two chapters!

Do we still have beta editors?
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[AladdinsGenie]

Are you kind of depicting the characters how you see them or just kind of twisting how you need them to be for your story? I know you mentioned you didn't like Aladdin, but "over-indulgence"--before or after he got into the palace--isn't a word I personally would associate with his character. Like, ever . IAGO, perhaps, but I'm just wondering if that's how you'd think he'd be after he marries Jasmine or is that just for your story.

[Meesh]

Also keep in mind that you aren't writing a book that is to be published... Just a fan fiction for your own enjoyment and free entertainment to others.

I understand wanting to write a good story, but don't let yourself get too wrapped up in it. That's when the problems start
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[Lateralus]

[AladdinsGenie]

i assuming that he is staying in the palace more now that he is engaged

You mean married?

i dont know if anyone notices that although in the cartoon series, he stays in his hovel, and he doesnt live in the palace, there is no sign of him working or having a job. maybe its becuase he is too busy saving agrabha all the time

I've always personally thought he didn't live in the palace during the series because he didn't really want to just up and abandon all he's known for most his life. It's sort of his way of still trying to hold on to where he came from and what made him who he is while transitioning to this new life he'll have to eventually come in to full force. He can't be the sultan and live in the Agrabanian ghetto . It's a little self-retreat to get away from all the "pressures of palace life" to borrow a quote.
Not that he doesn't mind the perks too much, he does have his moments , but he shows from time to time that he gets a little uncomfortable when he's completely indulged in the whole atmosphere of the lavish lifestyle with the parties, and dressing up, and the glam, and the ritzy folks, and all that. He gets better with it as time goes along because I think he started to feel better about himself being in that situation without being judge by others for his background, but I really wouldn't be surprised if he still went to his hovel even after becoming sultan to just think and get away from all that.
It's always really interesting to think about in context of him saying they'll be "rich and live in a palace and never have any problems at all", he gets that, and now he's like "...yeeeeah, I'll be over here" . I think he realized there's more to it than that.
It is mentioned he does have a room in the palace (Return of Jafar), and he does stay at the palace from time to time, but I think that was just out of choice. Plus, boyfriends and girlfriends don't always move in with each other right away, even when they're engaged

And I think he does sort of have a job but not...officially? Sultan sends him on all kinds of diplomatic missions and trying to find trade routes/partners, so he might be getting paid for that, and there's still the ocassional treasure hunt he partakes in, but he also has issues just taking Sultan's money without earning it, even though Jasmine said he can use what he wants. I remember when he wanted to make Jasmine breakfast, but he was bummed because all he could afford was a sack of rice , so he's earning money somehow even if it's not from an official job like he was offered originally. I think he likes not having a tie-down job so he can do the hero thing and still have a sense of freedom to explore what's out there before he has to buckle down and rule the country.

I like the stupid things they argue over. It makes them so much more real

[Lateralus]

[Lateralus]